Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
