the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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