I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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