A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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