I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
