At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
