Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
