I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
