Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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