I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
