No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
