I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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