You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
