This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
