I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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