Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
