i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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