god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
