I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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