I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
