Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
