How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
