i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
