You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
home. puking in laundry basket.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize
