All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
