Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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