I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
