how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
