Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
