So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
