He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
