Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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