he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
