Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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