Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
