Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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