I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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