No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
