The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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