I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I will pee on everything he values.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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