i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
