i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
