I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
