I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
