I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
