if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i used baking grease as lip gloss
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
