Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
