Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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