Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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