Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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