Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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