Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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